I’ve been keeping in my emotions and I need to get them out. Here goes nothing…
Ever since I was diagnosed with Type 1 Diabetes, I felt like the odd one out. Like, no one got me, or no one knew what I was going through. Yes, I have my family and friends who support me and help me through this, but I feel alone. I feel alone in this fight. I feel like I’m not strong enough. I am a Christian, but I often find myself yelling at God.
“God, why did you give me diabetes?”
“Am I strong enough for this?”
“Why can’t I be normal like everyone else!”
“Why, why, WHY?”
The questions can go on and on. There is just one question that pops in my head 24/7: “Am I strong enough?” I often feel like I am not strong enough for diabetes… or at life in general. I feel like I am sinking and I can’t find my way up. Negative thoughts overpower my brain. Thoughts like " Worthless. Not good enough. Fat. Ugly." I can’t get rid of them. Sometimes, they get so bad, I can’t breathe. Okay, I CAN breathe, it just seems like I can’t. I tend to lock myself in a bathroom stall until I’m calm again. Or when I’m outside and they act up again, I walk around and take deep breathes until my thoughts are normal and I can breathe normally again.
I feel sad all the time, and I don’t even know why. Some days, I’m fine, and some days I’m lying in my bed at 2 am questioning my existence.
I don’t know if anyone read this, but if you did… thank you. I feel a little bit better knowing someone who is going through the same thing as me (having diabetes) read this. I might post more vents because I have a lot to say, but please tell me if I’m annoying and I will stop.
Thank you Maddy @maddy15 for venting here and allowing me to share in your frustration, your questioning your anger and your life. I can’t think of a more fitting place to vent than here among friends who will love you and understand where you coming from; we have all been in your place and experienced what you are feeling. I know, because I’ve been there and still today say your “why me, God”.
OK, I’m not still a teen, bot I was a teen when awarded the “… you have diabetes” by a doctor 60 years ago. Yes, why me? … but very possibly diabetes has made me a stronger person and given me strength to live a full active life accomplishing just about all obstacles even to the point of being CEO / President of a national company. Maddy, you can do it.
I suggest, just relax - yeah it is possible - and take a look at yourself and appreciate who you arte as a person. I really like your prayer, yes, repeat your prayer often, especially when you are beginning to feel lost; God knows and loves you. Believe me, things will get better - probably can’t get much worse, can they; T1D probably can’t be controlled but you, with a little help will manage just fine.
Oh, another thing, yes I WILL read whatever you post her and respond whenever I have something constructive to say; so please post often and stay in touch. How long have you had diabetes? What methods or tools do you use?
I totally feel where you come from 100%. I have such a hard time venting or even expressing how I feel. I always bottle up my feelings and never tell anyone what’s going on. I’m a Christian too and I also get mad at God for causing me to have diabetes. I have depression and some days I just cry myself to sleep or question my existence because I feel like nobody understands what I’m going through and how hard this can be. If you ever need to talk just message me!!
first, i feel really bad about posting a comment in a teen forum. this is your space and I have no right to be in here. it has been several million years since I was a teen. sorry.
I felt like diabetes was a punishment. I did something wrong and now I am paying for it. as a teen, it was a un-resolvable conflict in my head. for me it lead the way to hating my parents (they fixed everything before this) to hating doctors (they are supposed to fix this) to hating my friends for not having diabetes, to hating God for doing it to me. it got worse because I really didn’t hate them all, it just felt that way, so began a depression.
clutching to the original thought, that I did something wrong, kept me in a prison. my escape plan included rebellion surrounding myself with chaos, and self-destructive behaviors. of course it didn’t help. fast forward 25 years.
with therapy, and with a lot of help, I realized I just hated myself. all the other anger was a distraction to keep me from the actual point. it took me a long time to not hate myself, and a little bit longer to like me. a key thing was that I had to forgive myself from the embarrassment and failure of getting sick. after that, and much like I would help anybody who needed help, I finally helped the guy who need it most…me.
if there was any 1 thing that helped it would be not fearing talking about it. that’s how I know you’ll be ok. surround yourself with people who know what you are going through and please keep talking.
It has also been over a decade since I was a teenager. I was diagnosed when I was 22 (now 31); I went through the same exact emotions about 2 years after I was diagnosed. I accepted it at first b/c I didn’t have a choice, but then somewhere along the line insecurity reared its ugly head & low self-esteem accompanied that too, which led to a downward spiral. Truth be told, I ended up in the hospital with DKA in ICU. I literally felt as if I was on my death bed & thought what in God’s name am I doing to myself here? All because of diabetes? I knew I didn’t want to end up like that again & never looked back.
When I got back home, I sought help from a psychologist and it helped and then eventually found more a holistic guide who helped me reconnect with my spirit and soul (sounds cheesy but it worked for me). I understand what you are going through. I think it’s great that you reached out on this forum to vent; sometimes it helps just to get it off your chest & sometimes to even cry and yell out all your anger and fears. That’s completely normal.
Why don’t you look into this website and one of their the Type One Nation Summits to connect with fellow T1Ds? I know you have supportive family and friends, which can help so much, but no one knows what you truly go through on a daily basis other than us! It’s ok to feel alone in this, it does happen to us all as you see from other stories. Keep this chat going to vent more if you need to.
Every single thing that you said describes how I am right now in my life. Honestly I didn’t even know that there was a diabetic community. I’ve had T1 Diabetes since I was 19 months old and I am 16 years old right now. I struggle with depression and anxiety as well. I too am a Christian and literally ask those same questions that you do. I honestly feel like I have no purpose and I too question my existence. Almost like why God ? If you are there, if you’re really there then why do I have this disease? Why is there suffering ? And sometimes I feel completely alone. I honestly did not think that there was another person out there struggling exactly with what I am, I know there are others that have T1 but I felt like no one would understand dealing with my christianity and my depression and anxiety and I felt like I was a “bad diabetic” because others dealing with it seemed to be so perfect. I would love if we could talk, I just joined this site today so I don’t really know how it works but maybe send me a message? It would really be nice to talk with you. - Jessi
This actually makes me happy. I’m not happy about what you’re going through because it sucks, I know. I’m happy that you commented on my rant. When I read your reply, I felt like God was telling me to talk to you. Because He knows that we can get through this. Diabetes sucks. It truly does. And having depression AND anxiety on top of that really sucks! I will for sure message you! I feel like God wants us to be friends, if that makes sense haha. You can do it, Jessi!
Hey , my name is Jasmine and I was diagnosed at 3 years old. So really it’s all I’ve ever known. However I have a bunch of emotional problems as well. They definitely show in your A1C’s and managing your care. I prefer not to share my A1c because … well … it’s bad. But I’ve been through some rough times and I;ve been suicidal for years and I have experience in things most 17 year old should not experience. If you ever need my help I am always here <3 Dont ever feel alone , it’ll be hard but you just gotta fight until you’re beaten and broke and about to give up and tired , then you gotta keep fighting. That’s what I’ve learned anyways
@maddy15 I totally understand! At school, I feel left out and it seems like everyone throws it in my face saying “Oh look at diabetes girl!” Of course I didn’t deal with that so those kids picked on the wrong girl… But I totally understand!
Jessi, I am going thru the same thing. I ask God why if he was perfect why doesn’t he heal me? And then he said to me in my timing. Then I knew I was going to be healed. But it hasn’t happend yet.