I hate my life and have for quite sometime. I have had diabetes since Nov 2005 and I still have not accepted it as a part of my life. I will never be one to introduce myself as "Matt the diabetic" and I dont plan on changing that. Diabetes is a weakness in my mind and I cannot get over that. I dont want a weakness in my life. The truth is diabetes controls my life. It controls when I am happy, sad, hungry, hot, cold, etc. Why is this fair? I cant even keep people around in my life that have only helped me because I cant see someone being with me because of the way I am. I truly cannot see myself ever being happy because I am not happy with myself and I cant see that changing and dont know how. I just needed to vent, its hard to talk to people about this because of my mind set, and plus I dont want anyone to know about my weakness that I cant get rid of. You would never be able to tell that I have problems because on the outside everything seems great, but when you realize what is going on inside, it just really sucks to be me.
Hey Matt. I hope just getting it out through the keystrokes has helped. I hope you know you are not alone and you can vent here to us anytime. We get it.
Matthew, there is nothing wrong with you that we aren't all dealing with to some extent. Just like you, I live with type 1 duabetes, too. I am not going to write here that it's all red roses and sunshine because I would be telling you a lie. Honestly, though most of the time the days aren't too bad because I try to put things in perspective by looking at the situations and people around me. Let me share a few things with you that have happened just during the last few days.
I had a birthday on Saturday. I turned 54 and I was dreading it worse than any birthday that I can recall. I had a pretty good idea what my dread was all about, but I was afraid to tell too many folks about it. I did write about it in my journal (something I strongly recommend for everyone as it's an excellent release). Turned out it was all because my dear friend; a woman who had been quite inspirational in my accepting and adjusting to my life as a youngster with diabetes at age 10, passed away at the age of 54. I realized I was afraid that the same thing might happen to me. Truth of the matter is that my control and the management tools are far better than they were when my friend passed. So I've reached a milestone and actually feel like I've jumped quite a high hurdle.
On Wednesday of last week, I had lunch with some work associates of mine and one young woman I hadn't seen for several years. She had always had very, very long dark hair, but now it was quite short. I made a point of telling her how good she looked but purposely asked her when she had cut her hair. She hadn't cut her hair...she had experienced breast cancer and had come through it quite well. During lunch, however, I was told that another good friend of ours is getting ready to undergo a double mastectomy and on Thursday afternoon, while talking to my old boss's wife, I find out that she is also going into the hospital on June 2 for double mastectomry surgery.
The reason I tell you all of this is because it can always be worse than what we are dealing with. As a woman, breast cancer is terrifying. As a person, cancer is terrifying. As a human being with cancer, those women didn't have a whole lot of control over the outcome of their health. What happens to those of us living with type 1 is primarily up to how we take care of ourselves.
When I was diagnosed in 1966, I had a glass syringe to inject my PZI insulin and I to had pee in a cup to monitor my sugar levels. There were no means to monitor my blood sugar except going to the lab every month or so. Now I have an insulin pump, a continuous glucose monitor (CGM) and numerous specialists to help me manage my health. Ultimately, it is my decision and I feel good about that.
Matthew, vent anytime and keep in touch with any of us whenever you're feeling low.
MIke,
I was like you for so long after my diagnosis in Nov. 2000. I just turned 25 and like you I felt as though my life was just crumbling before my eyes. Everything I was used to changed overnight and it was the worst. I became a hermit because I didn't want to be a burden on anyone else or have people feel bad for me. You are right it isn't fair. It does suck, but one thing I learned after all these years was that it doesn't have to control every aspect of your life. It is hard for you to hear this now because you aren't ready to accept this but, I promise once you do, things will seem much clearer to you and everything will get easier to deal with. But, you have to figure these things out on your own. Everyone on here can tell you their experiences and give you advice but you will learn on your own how to cope with this.
There are times when I really hate having diabetes but, I sit back and realize all of the good things that I have in my life and that is what keeps me going. We all need to vent and you definitely came to the right place!
Matt, I hope you are reading these posts carefully. As a volunteer for the Online Diabetes Support Team of the Juvenile Diabetes Research Foundation, I can assure you that your feelings are very normal. All adults who are diagnosed feel like you for a long time. Children don't so much, for they grow up feeling like this is normal. Many, many people complain of feeling very much alone in their dealings with controlling their glucose levels. Friends and family may love us, but these people can't fully understand how we feel. No, we never get a break. And we know that something is broken in us and can't be repaired -- not yet, anyway, and maybe not for many years to come despite the research being done. But for the first time ever, type 1 people have an online community of friends who totally understand the issues that come along with type 1 diabetes.
Putting our "venting" into words helps somehow. So go right ahead. And we will respond to try to offer support. All of us live with the same issues.
As a long-timer, I can assure you that as time goes by, you learn your own body and how it reacts to food, exercise, stress, and insulin. And so you are going to be better able to predict the outcome of daily activities without having to spend much time thinking about them in coming years. It will get easier, and at some point, it becomes almost mindless, sort of like brushing your teeth. At some point, you will just do whatever you need to do without giving it much thought -- and when that happens, your primary focus can be on the things about life that you love. You will hopefully find yourself happier when you can return focus to things other than diabetes. But this takes time, and trial and error also.
One beautiful thing about this forum is that people share what works for them. And by reading what other people do, we all can find better ways to help ourselves. There are many things that are not in any textbooks or medical books, things that folks like you and me discover in little "ah-hah" moments in our lives that make living as a type 1 less stressful. So I encourage you even when you are frustrated to carefully read posts. And I encourage other type 1 folks to not only vent about frustrations, but also to offer suggestions about what helps them with diabetes issues the most. Venting is a great release, but reading suggestions in addition to venting has got to be the best help.
None of us has all the answers. What works to keep me happy and well-controlled may be very much wrong for you, for you are a different person. But if I share some of what helps me, you can read, evaluate, and then hopefully apply only what may be helpful to your own life. In time, these things that you learn will become habits and this happens, your brain is free to pursue its dreams and passions instead of having to constantly focus on controlling your glucose levels.
Don't label yourself as "a diabetic". This is just a small part of who you are, like being a red-head, etc. I encourage you to label yourself mentally as whatever your life passion is. I am an artist. I want my family and my friends to think of me as Susan-the-Artist and not Susan-the-Diabetic. I think this is truly how folks think of me, and I encourage you to get a handle on this. It may help with the mind games we all must learn to play. It helps me a lot.
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I truly cannot see myself ever being happy because I am not happy with myself and I cant see that changing and dont know how. I
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I couldn’t agree more.
After the anger, there comes a time of numbness. After the numbness comes a thing called acceptance. It doesn’t matter what the words are or what they mean, just know that it changes. No one can tell you exactly how to get there, but if you decide to survive all the crap, I know you will look back at your words someday and truly understand.
If you want to talk I am always around.
Hi Matt! I totally hear what you are saying! As a matter of fact ive been diabetic for 25 years and up until recently thats exactly how i felt! I know that no matter what anyone says you are going to feel this way but i hope by getting it out it has helped you! Are you feeling any better now? It has been awhile since that post and i am interested in what you are thinking.
I Kinda agree with u. I mean it really dose control ur emotions and i hate that! :( There are times like when im on vacation and i really wanna b happy and i cant b/c i have a high or low BS (not bull shit, blood sugar:)! I have had diabeties for 11 years now and i have definately goten tiered of all the people asking me questions and telling me wat i can and cant eat. I have also goten tiered of pricking my finger and bolusing every time i eat something or drink coffee :#
I totally agree it dose suck but i also think that whenever u can u need to push throug and just tought it out and take care of it. My mommy tought me that!
Hi Matt,
I am so sorry you are feeling so down. I. too, know how it feels to hold it all in and not share. I like to think of myself as an optimist and all my family and friends know me for that. I sometimes agree and feel I am showing a sign of weakness if I were to truly share how frustrated and angry I can get about being a diabetic. I have lied and pretended sometimes that diabetes is not a big deal so that I don't burden others with how unhappy it can make me. However, I have learned that it is ok to show your real feelings. Diabetes is a manageable disease and can make you a stronger (and healthier) person in the long run! Meeting people with much worse situations has helped me learn that. It will never take your diagnosis away, but might help with viewing it from another perspective. You are not alone!!!
You do not need to identify yourself as "Matt the Diabetic" Yes, diabetes is a part of you and always will be, but it does not have to define you. There are many people on this site that are proud of their diabetes and do believe that diabetes defines them (more power to them), there is nothing wrong with that, but there is also nothing wrong with not broadcasting. I could be wrong, but it sounds like there is more to the fact that you hate your life than just diabetes. Insecurity and negativity are weaknesses, in my opinion. If you can find what will make you happy and improve your sense of self worth, the diabetes will just be another piece of your puzzle rather than the whole picture.
I hope all that made sense. I can very much relate to your feelings, but have a bright positive side too so sometimes my posts can be a little all over the place! Hang in there and I am always here to chat!
Jackie