I am so happy to have stumbled across this message board as a place for me to vent some of my feelings and frustrations.....you see my 12 year old daughter (13 in May) was just diagnosed on January 10, 2009 and as her mother I am dealing with, at times, often a very angry pre-adolescent girl. It has been extremely difficult for me as her Mom, who seems to get the brunt of the anger, not Dad, to deal with her lashing out and saying things like, "why me", "i don't want diabetes", "i don't want to do this anymore (injections), it hurts", "you don't know what you are talking about", "you don't understand" etc. I feel hurt by her comments as we have always had a very close, loving relationship. I feel like I don't have the answers for her and that I should, I just want to take it away from her. I am always second-guessing myself when she is in these states and I am trying my best to soothe her that I just am doing the "right" thing as in some of these instances it just escalates and I walk away from the situation. I hear from our diabetic educator that it will get better, I hope that this is the case. In reading some of the other posts on this message board I realize that I am not the only one in the world going through this type of thing and I was hoping that anyone out there with some advice on how to handle this situation who may have gone through the same type of reaction to having diabetes at my daughters age would be helpful....we do have a friend of the family with a child the same age but their daughter was diagnosed as an infant and it really is a totally different experience for us than them.
Hello! My name is Hanna and i'm repying on my mom's e-mail! !I just turned 13 in January so i know most of the good stuff!!! Anyways...Tell your daugher that i am so totaly there with her!Tell her that it hurts at first,but you totaly get used to doing the shots,testing,and all of that nasty stuff. I complain to my mom all of the time about things but even tho it hurts you still have to do it! I have learned a HUGE lesson from that!When i was diagnosed,my A1C was like 6.7 or some really good number!! but since i have become a teenager, i have not taken care of myslf and my A1C is lke 8.0 aiat makes a huge impact on her and how she feels!! I am REALLY tired latley, it might be from not sleeping enough or not taking care of myself. Anyways as a result it will get better I PROMISE its just a matter of testing and everything!!
Thank you Hanna for your response, nice to hear from a child almost the same age as my daughter....I am going to let her read your response so she doesn't feel like she is the ONLY child with diabetes.
My daughter, Allie, was dx'ed at age 12, just over 2 years ago (she's 15 now). For the first year, she took excellent care of her sugar. The past year or so, however, has just plain sucked. It's so hard for teens to deal with all this. Allie ignores it as much as she can and it drives me nuts! Her A1c is ridiculous (9.7) and her optometrist warned her that her "retinas will fall off" if she doesn't turn herself around. At this point, if Allie's next A1c is still crappy, I'm going to put her in couseling.
They have the right to be angry, to be sad, to not want to deal with it, but we as moms can't just let them self-destruct. It's so frustrating and painful. I wonder if counseling would help your daughter release the anger in a healthy way and find tools to accept it and deal with it. There is definitely a grief process that has to be gone through for many of us (both the kids and us parents).
So, in short, I vote for counseling, preferably with a counselor who has a background in helping people with chronic illness.
Thanks Sandi, nice to know that what we are going through is not so unusual, the problem I am having with the counsellor issue is that as soon as I mention the word "counsellor" we have a major meltdown. I don't know but I think that as Mothers we just have to take a firm approach. Thank you much though for your input.
I'm Hanna's mom (Amy), and I let her post the other day, because I asked what she would say to a newly diagnosed girl who is her age.
So, I thought I would tell you my perspective now.
Over the past 9 years, Hanna has been at times in great control and at times way out of control. Right now, she is in the out of control phase. Her last a1C was 8.7, and I know it will be worse next Friday when we see her endo. She started on the pump almost 4 years ago, and that helped. The main problem now is for her to actually do the mechanical things she needs to do to take care of herself. Like lots of Mom's - I waver between letting her feel awful - to trying to over-control what she does.
Trust me in the fact that you are not alone. I can't imagine trying to get her to take shots now (it was a wrestling match at 4 to get her to sit still to get one!). Even now, she is embarassed with friends who love her and know her at giving herself a bolus. I talked with our local Diabetes Youth Services nurse, and she gave me a good resourse - because the bottom line is that her behavior (or lack of self care) creates this intense conflict between us. Anyway - Robin told me that I should get the book "I'm Not Mad, I Just Hate You" by Roni Cohen-Sandler and Michelle Silver. It is about understanding mother-daughter conflict. Even though it is not solving her blood sugar issues, or her self care - it is giving me some understanding, AND some techniques to handle some of the ways that we conflict over these issues.