Just seeking advice for T1's who have grown up with a over protective parent

General
1

OK, I'm looking for some advice here and any and all input will be grateful. Being so i'm New at this T1 diabetic thing. I want to hopefully get some in site from either older kids, teens or adults that have dealt with T1. I have a few questions:  1. What did your parent(s) do that totally fusterated you?  2. Was there anything you wished your parent(s) had done differently?

I'm asking these questions because i don't want to feel like i'm driving my daughter crazy by always asking if she is ok. Always wondering if she is running around enough or too much. Is she drinking her water and of course the list goes on and on.... I just figured if i could hear from some teen T1's or even older who remember the "growing up" days they could help me out. I know my daughter has enough just having diabetes and she doesn't need me adding to it. Not to mention if i know what not to do, i can catch myself before i get started. Hey being a kid is hard enough (yeah right), but having a mom or dad that worries you non-stop just makes it worse :)..... So thanks to any of you who can give me some input/advice

2

my parents were very, very overprotective as i was growing up. i don't fault them--they felt panicked like many parents do. i never went over to a friend's house or spent the night anywhere. my aunt or my grandma would watch me if my parents needed a sitter. they checked my sugars around the clock and would always ask me what my level is. even now, they still ask me what my sugar is all the time.

because of this, i often felt very isolated and alone. it was incredibly frustrating. at school, i could never eat any of the goodies. i was on a fixed carb plan, so i always brought my lunch and snacks with me. when i was in middle school and high school, my mom would get a print out of what i bought with my lunch money (everything was scanned) and then promptly yell at me if it wasn't "diabetic appropriate."

like i said, i don't fault my parents. they wanted me to be healthy and happy. they didn't realize they were being so over-bearing. old habits die hard because even to this day i get nagged at about what/how much/when i'm eating. what my blood sugars are, how many tests i'm doing, and when i'm doing them... and i don't even live with them.

your daughter is young now. as she gets older (and even now) allow her the independence and freedom and care for herself. she will come to you when/if she needs help. don't doubt her ability to properly manage her diabetes.

3

Ha, ha! I love your post. Your daughter is a lucky girl to have you! First, I have to say that she is so newly diagnosed. It's normal and healthy to be more concerned while you are both learning about her daily needs. My comments are from when I had been diagnosed for years.

1. Being on a strict food plan frustrated me. I would sneak candy and extra food b/c of all the limitations and ended up with weight issues in high school that didn't resolve until college.This wasn't my parents' fault per se b/c it was the recommended care at the time. But, the more freedom (within reason of course) she has to eat and not eat as she wishes and not being overly focused on food is positive for a girl growing up.

2. My Dad basically ignored my D, and I wished he would have at least acknowlegded more that I had this extra burden growing up.

3. The positive thing they did was try not to let it stop me from doing anything. When I was 16, I saved for half of the ticket price, and my parents let me fly alone to Tokyo for 2 weeks. When I was 17, I also went camping on the French coast one summer for a month. I survived all of it, lol.

4. Going away to a T1 summer camp as a little girl was positive for me. I had time away when I was young, but I was well cared for there. I didn't want to go initially but they encouraged me to go.

 

4

I love this post! Thanks because I was wondering the same things. I picked up some tips in other posts but this is good stuff. It also confirms my goal to have her off this stupid fixed carb plan before Easter and sooner if possible. 

5

I Love this post too..and both parents here I feel will be great parents-not over protective.....I am going to ask my kids this question about me,ha !! I say with my daughter with d--I was not and am not over protective.....Only because she would have no part of it.She made it more than clear from the start od all this d stuff...Her plans were to get on with life--Friends-Family and Fun...did I mention she is strong willed.She pushed ahead while I tended to want to hold her back.She would have no part of it.We were both right :)

6

I tend to be horribly over protective without D so I do have to watch myself to make sure it doesnt take me over and Riley.

7

over protective parents -could never be applied to parents of newly type1 children.That would be unfair and wrong.The parents stress of worry for their child and their health.The tons of new information coming at them etc...it seems too much at times...and the age makes a big difference-My daughter was 12.I think you both have children age 9. You and only you know what is best at this time and later.My heart goes out to you and all parents of young children.

8

[quote user="Sarah"]

Ha, ha! I love your post. Your daughter is a lucky girl to have you! First, I have to say that she is so newly diagnosed. It's normal and healthy to be more concerned while you are both learning about her daily needs. My comments are from when I had been diagnosed for years.

1. Being on a strict food plan frustrated me. I would sneak candy and extra food b/c of all the limitations and ended up with weight issues in high school that didn't resolve until college.This wasn't my parents' fault per se b/c it was the recommended care at the time. But, the more freedom (within reason of course) she has to eat and not eat as she wishes and not being overly focused on food is positive for a girl growing up.

2. My Dad basically ignored my D, and I wished he would have at least acknowlegded more that I had this extra burden growing up.

3. The positive thing they did was try not to let it stop me from doing anything. When I was 16, I saved for half of the ticket price, and my parents let me fly alone to Tokyo for 2 weeks. When I was 17, I also went camping on the French coast one summer for a month. I survived all of it, lol.

4. Going away to a T1 summer camp as a little girl was positive for me. I had time away when I was young, but I was well cared for there. I didn't want to go initially but they encouraged me to go.

 

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My dad's the same way!  Pretty much every three months for about 2 meals he reminds me to bolus 15 minutes before we eat and then after that he doesn't acknowledge diabetes AT ALL.  He definitely doesn't know how it is constantly on my mind, but I think his ignorance is because he's realized how independent I am about diabetes and he feels he doesn't have to worry about it.  Part of his lack of involvement also has to do with the fact that my parents are divorced, though.

My mom is very involved on the other hand.  She usually asks at least once a day what my blood sugar is, especially if I'm treating a low.  She's always concerned when I leave the house for an extended period - namely that I have my meter and enough glucose tabs, which I find extremely irritating because I know what supplies I need to bring with me.  I feel comfortable going to her with problems and I know she doesn't judge me if things aren't perfect, though, unlike my dad who suddenly gets worried then angry if I have any severe lows. 

It's important to find a balance between helping your daughter and ceaselessly bothering her when she doesn't need it.  With anyone, it's better to be overprotective than ignorant and because you are new(er?) to the diabetes routine, it is especially crucial to maintain control while you are learning the ropes.  It helps to learn to trust others (like the school nurse) with your daughter's care though, so that you don't become obsessive about her numbers.  Part of learning is making mistakes and mistakes are inevitable in the world of diabetes. 

Your daughter is lucky to have such a caring mother.

 

 

9

My parents were not over protective.  At first, my mom did the whole measure of food thing and then learned about how much a portion was and used that.  I was diagnosed in 8th grade and know that by the time I was in 9th grade I was buying my lunch at school all the time.  I remember eating either big cheese rolls (I can still remember how good those were) or M&Ms for lunch.  I was lucky, however, that I didn't have too much trouble with highs or lows.  I ran track during the next sports season, ran cross country the next fall and was a cheerleader.  I remember showing up to track meets with no snacks, but my coach watched out for me too.  I really don't know how I didn't have any problems.  I had an open pass to leave class to get a juice anytime I needed 1 (we had a juice box machine!!!) My mom took care of that.  I know that my parents didn't make a big deal out of the D, but I know that they were scared.

My biggest complaint about how my parents handled it is that I felt like they punished me when I had a scarry low.  I understand why they did it, it scared them a lot and they wanted to make sure it wasn't going to get me into trouble.  But, once a low is over, it is over and is no more likely to happen again that day.  I was mad a tthe time, but I know that they did what they thought was best.

If my parents had been too over protective, I probably would have lied and snuck around more than I already did (and I did that a lot).  I don't know what my parents motivations were for treating me the way they did, but I hope that they were trying to make me as independent as possible.  I think that is the biggest risk of being over protective and controlling too much, children don't learn how to make mistakes when the mistakes are smaller and less dangerous. Yes, your daughter may run high and may even end up in the hospital with highs (or lows).  Yes, not controlling her diabetes tightly may lead to complications later in life.  However, rebelling as a teen or a young adult maybe even more dangerous.  Allowing her to make some decisions now (even ones that you don't agree with) will give her the opportunity to learn from her mistakes.  "Gee, when I eat pizza, cake and ice cream I feel like crap the next day and have to take more shots.  Maybe next time I'll eat just the ice cream."  "Hmmm.... when I run around like crazy and refuse to eat a snack, I go low and my mom has to give me glucagon and now I feel like crap.  maybe next time I'll make sure I eat a snack every 30 minutes."  From my experiences, teenagers get caught up in being right refusing to apply learned lessons.

OK, that was long and rambling and may not be appropriate or may not even be right.  But it is my philosopy of parenting.  Kids make mistakes, let them make the mistakes young when the consequences are not as horrible.  Model making decisions and speak through your thought process.  Share your fears and talk about it.  But, ultimately, it is your child's life, and to the developmentally appropriate limit, children should make decisions.

Good luck.

10

Katie, my Mom still asks me if I have sugar with me when I leave the house sometimes, even though I'm 32 and she lives in another state. For some reason, it's the only nagging (D-related at least) thing she does. When she was visiting last month, I tested and was 140. So, I walked the dog w/o bringing anything and she was pacing around muttering to herself. (:

11

One thing I could never stand, and still can't is that whenever I make the slightest comment about not feeling well, the first thing out of my moms mouth has always been "What are your numbers?" or "Whens the last time you tested?"

Sometimes, it does have to do with diabetes, but other times it has NOTHING to do with diabetes. Sometimes someone is just 'regular person sick' and not 'diabetes sick'. It's important to remember that, yes diabetes can play a factor in all aspects of life, even a T1D might just have a headache, or just have a stomach ache.

Just thought I throw that out there

 

12

[quote user="Jessie"]

One thing I could never stand, and still can't is that whenever I make the slightest comment about not feeling well, the first thing out of my moms mouth has always been "What are your numbers?" or "Whens the last time you tested?"

Sometimes, it does have to do with diabetes, but other times it has NOTHING to do with diabetes. Sometimes someone is just 'regular person sick' and not 'diabetes sick'. It's important to remember that, yes diabetes can play a factor in all aspects of life, even a T1D might just have a headache, or just have a stomach ache.

Just thought I throw that out there

 

[/quote]

My husband sometimes does that to me and I get SO mad and annoyed. But, the thing is he knows me well and is usually right. When I'm low, I just won't admit it! Once he forces me to test, I have to sneak some sugar rather than admit he was right! lol

13

1. i hate when my mom meets someone and i'm with her and they ask about my pump she'll give them a crash course in diabetes management (kinda embarassing)

2.i wish my mom was more on top of me SOMETIMES so i wouldn't always be forgetting to test and bolus and stuff

14

[quote user="Katie"]

 

My mom is very involved on the other hand.  She usually asks at least once a day what my blood sugar is, especially if I'm treating a low.  She's always concerned when I leave the house for an extended period - namely that I have my meter and enough glucose tabs, which I find extremely irritating because I know what supplies I need to bring with me.  I feel comfortable going to her with problems and I know she doesn't judge me if things aren't perfect, though, unlike my dad who suddenly gets worried then angry if I have any severe lows. 

 

 

 

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Okay this is the part I have to comment on as a parent. I am sure your mom knows you know what to bring but people forget things. Wallets, purses, and keys. Heck I have heard of people forgetting there kids at home and having to go back for them. All annoying things to forget but you can live without them. Your supplies are important things that you might not be able to live without. So its not that you are not trusted but it gives us parents peace of mind to know you have all your stuff. My dad use to tell me all the time when I left with friends to buckle up. I said I would and always did. I didnt mind because I knew it wasnt because he didnt trust me but because he needed to know I was going to be as safe as I could be out and about.

I dont really see that as being over protective. I mean she lets you go out if she didnt because of the D then that would be overboard and would prove she doesnt trust you. I dont know maybe I just see it as being a parent its what we do to assure ourselves its ok to let you go cause once you are out there it is up to you to take care of yourself it just helps us to know you have the tools with you to do it.

 

15

Hi, I'm 14 years old and the best advice i have to give is to not get mad when you see a high number or a low one. Don't over react and be like did you eat that without bolusing?! Did you not finish your dinner?! etc. Diabetes will have its ups and downs, but its not something you can get mad at like a bad grade. You just have to deal with it.

i can see how it would be frustrating to be a parent and not know why your daughters having a random low, etc. Make diabetes like teamwork, your both in it. But heres the problem, how can i fix it? but yelling/screaming will not help!!

When i was younger sometimes i would just eat without taking insulin (pre-pump) and forget to tell my mom, and she would get mad when she saw the high number. And that always made me really frustrated because now here i was not feeling good, and her getting pretty upset. i agree i should have given insulin, but just talk to your daughter if things like that come up...

Hope this helps (:

16

[quote user="Sarah"]

[quote user="Jessie"]

One thing I could never stand, and still can't is that whenever I make the slightest comment about not feeling well, the first thing out of my moms mouth has always been "What are your numbers?" or "Whens the last time you tested?"

Sometimes, it does have to do with diabetes, but other times it has NOTHING to do with diabetes. Sometimes someone is just 'regular person sick' and not 'diabetes sick'. It's important to remember that, yes diabetes can play a factor in all aspects of life, even a T1D might just have a headache, or just have a stomach ache.

Just thought I throw that out there

 

[/quote]

My husband sometimes does that to me and I get SO mad and annoyed. But, the thing is he knows me well and is usually right. When I'm low, I just won't admit it! Once he forces me to test, I have to sneak some sugar rather than admit he was right! lol

[/quote]

But it's good to just get that off the table?  Is it d-related?  No?  Then, move on to what else might be wrong.  The D stuff is the most worrisome and most likely to cause danger or harm.  It's also the unpredictable force that we don't have experience in dealing with for all human beings, just you really special ones.

17

That is great advice Aneka.

I would urge the same. Given, there's not much you can do except be protective when you control their diabetes management. However, it's also important to foster a sense of autonomy once the child is old enough to be able to take over the responsibility. Everyone needs to develop self-control eventually, but that probably won't be possible in kids under 12.

18

When I wa dx'd it was a little late for my parents to be over-protective or bothersome...but they were like that with my sister, and I think that's the reason why when she graduates college, she isn't coming back to MD. They smothered her and constantly bothered her about checking her numbers and stuff.

Now, from watching this "outside looking in" for so many years, I was able to see what they were doing and able to talk to her about why it was driving her nuts. Granted some of your children are very young, but so was she when she was dx'd. Coach them with their diabetes and teach them how to be independent with the care and monitoring of it. The constant "did you test?" "what are your levels?" "did you bolus/lantus" etc. will drive a child/teen nuts. It's their disease and they are gonna have to be dealing with it on their own for the rest of their lives...so pardon the phrase, but cut the cord :)

I think that the only time a parent (especially of a teen) should intervene is if their kid is not taking care of themself. Teach them (through research or inquiry of your endo) some best practices and learn with them about it but not for them.

Hope that makes sense and doesn't make me sound like an @$$

19

[quote user="Aneka"]

Hi, I'm 14 years old and the best advice i have to give is to not get mad when you see a high number or a low one. Don't over react and be like did you eat that without bolusing?! Did you not finish your dinner?! etc. Diabetes will have its ups and downs, but its not something you can get mad at like a bad grade. You just have to deal with it.

i can see how it would be frustrating to be a parent and not know why your daughters having a random low, etc. Make diabetes like teamwork, your both in it. But heres the problem, how can i fix it? but yelling/screaming will not help!!

When i was younger sometimes i would just eat without taking insulin (pre-pump) and forget to tell my mom, and she would get mad when she saw the high number. And that always made me really frustrated because now here i was not feeling good, and her getting pretty upset. i agree i should have given insulin, but just talk to your daughter if things like that come up...

Hope this helps (:

[/quote]

Aneka, I think that you are really smart.  You said what I tried to say,only I did it with too much!

20

[quote user="Aneka"]the best advice i have to give is to not get mad when you see a high number or a low one. Don't over react and be like did you eat that without bolusing?! Did you not finish your dinner?! etc. Diabetes will have its ups and downs, but its not something you can get mad at like a bad grade. You just have to deal with it. [/quote]

 

Agreed! When my mom reacted like that, especially when I was younger (around 11), I would feel really bad about myself. Don't let you or your daughter fall into this vicious cycle!