During the month of October going into November I always feel as though I become very depressed and burned out from diabetes. Which makes sense because November was the month I was diagnosed. But, this year also marks the first year anniversary of my mother's passing. I never mentioned it on here but, she died suddenly, 10 days after the birth of my son. We were very close and this past year has been extremely tough. She was the only person I ever felt truly understood how to help me, the person who knew how to say and do the right things regarding my diabetes. Don't get me wrong she used to drive me crazy asking me about whether or not I checked my blood sugar, if I bolused, corrected etc...Now, those are things I miss most. No one asks me anything about diabetes. I don't want a pity party or anything trust me. The diabetes police is definitely not fun! Once in a while couldn't hurt I suppose.
But, I just feel like I am spinning out of control lately. I do have my little guy who reminds me every day why I need to take care of me, but, I have been so wrapped up in making sure everyone else in my family is doing ok, that I haven't sat down to just care about me for a second. It's funny how when something is bothering me the first thing I take it out on is my diabetes control. It is so crazy, right? I guess this is more of a vent to the community because maybe you guys know what it's like. or that I just really miss my mom, or it could be that I have an endo appointment today. Probably all of the above.
I think this past year has just really taken a toll on me mentally and not being able to vent it out to anyone because, I want to be strong for my family. Well, that was a weight lifted. Thanks for reading this.
A friend of mine said that no matter how old you are when a parent dies, you feel like an orphan. I am sorry about your mom. Anyone would be struggling after the year you have been through. Losing someone you love makes you ache. And I don't know about you, but I never realized how much my parents loved me until I became a parent myself. Our parents have a fierce, sacrifical love for us and it is a loss when it's gone.
The reality of diabetes is that it's with us through every part of our lives. Even through devastating losses. And diabetes is sort of like a child, in that it's demanding no matter what else you're having to deal with.
The feeling of spinning out of control is in your mind, you may not as bad off as you think. Diabetes control isn't something you have that can slip out of your fingers. It's just little decisions that you make as you live your life. You can test or not. You can guess at your insulin dose or carb count. You can change your infusion site or let it go another day.
During times of high stress you feel overwhelmed and have limited energy and focus. For now figure out which things that are important and prioritize them. Ideally diabetes is near the top of the priority list. But if you have a season where you are doing less, the world won't end.
Gina I am glad you wrote this, and if nothing else I want you to know you are not alone.
An insurance change now requires me to get my A1c test the same day as my endo appt. which is profoundly stupid from our perspective, but the net effect is that my endo and I have nothing to say at my appointment, so she feels it is necessary to criticize my control, diet, and travel schedule. It's not only irritating, but it causes me great anxiety and that screws up my control weeks. With this disease control is even a dumb thing to call it. every day is so different and so unpredictable. It is a wonder that we can have any sense of control at all.
I fee your pain because my father died about 3 weeks before my son's first birthday in November. even though I am 48 now, I can actually tantrum when I feel so *%^$%#$$% cheated and that it is unfair that my son lost his grandpa so early, and I feel so totally lost without him too.
My son is a source of both boundless joy and inspiration, and absolute terror and anxiety. To make it work right in my head, I can't use my relationship with him as either a crutch or an excuse or i'll die. If I am to take care of myself and make it sustainable, it has to be just for me. I admit it's a play on words, but it also makes it hard for me to lose focus or place blame. The philosophy has kept me from the worst parts of burnout.
I think when the fall comes, a lot of people feel seasonal depression, too. I always try to plan a vacation to Florida either in November or December, it seems to help me a lot.
Hope you are okay Gina, and if you are not, please reach out and enlist the help of many others. A joy shared is twice the joy, a pain shared is half the pain.
That's an interesting way to think about it, being an orphan. Although I still have my dad who is great, and tries to help me as much as I can, it somehow isn't the same. The mother/daughter relationship is so much different than what you have with a dad. Don't get me wrong, I love my father just as much as my mom, but, it's a completely different relationship. We are all still learning how to live without her and it's been very difficult at times.
Diabetes is like having another child, you have to nurture and give it attention or else it has a tantrum! haha.
Joe,
Thanks so much for sharing your experience with me. I am feeling better, I think I was having an off day yesterday.