Would the real "Alyssa" 'please stand up' -- or at least let me know you're still there!

General
21

I think maybe both you and A-D may have hit an underlying concern of mine, Josh, that even I didn't know was there. Everyone, including myself, friends, Juvenation, is telling me to talk to my parents. It's the only obvious thing that I see. But I feel wary to, and here's why.

We never talked about the day I left without insulin. I half thought I escaped some yelling match or something, but I believe it hurt us to just move on more than it helped. However much I want to talk about it, though, I am worried they will think I am too irresponsible, and let me know. I don't feel I need to hear how I shouldn't have left without it, suspended my pump, and drank a milk shake on the ride back... I already know all of these things. I've already beaten myself up for all of them. What I need is for them to sit down and help me figure out why I did it.

I don't want to disappoint them that I haven't come to them, or feel that I am unable to. I don't want to make them think less of me, or down on me. I want them to still be proud of me, of what I do. But that's hard when all that I have done lately seems to be worthless, and deserves anything but their pride. Why would they feel positively of me still? And I've been feeling this way for a few weeks; I don't want them to angry that I haven't come to them until now.

The no insulin incident seemed to already hurt them. It's not the same any more, and I would give anything to fix it all. But I'm too afraid that I'll make it worse in talking to them, by disappointing them?

And I apologize if this is a hard read, or is rambly. I’m waiting for oatmeal to bring my blood sugar up enough for me to take my insulin J

22

Aly ssa,

The first thing I want to do is give you the good news:  Emotions (good and bad) are, by their nature, temporary.  So don’t worry too much about feeling this way forever, you won’t.  You are plenty brave and you are reaching out and coping and dealing with a lot in a short period of time.  It’s good to recognize the things you want to be doing in addition to it – it is also good to give yourself a little credit for what you’ve done and the things you are doing. 

Start doing the little things and when you are feeling good about getting some of those knocked out – start upping your game again – don’t worry, you’ve got the ability and the interest – you’ll get back to a good place – and really – it is very likely to be a much better place.  I wish I could tell you that forward progress was always painless but often, it is not. Your parents love you and want you to succeed.  I think you need to trust in the fact that that relationship exists no matter what anyone's emotional state and there is often time to fix communication done badly...

One thing to consider as an opener with your parents (this part, you are free to disregard – I don’t know you well enough or your parents at all)…  If it was me – and I was where you are with the bit I’ve learned from my past – I think I’d feel good about starting with “Hey mom, dad – I need to talk to you for a few minutes.  I am really confident in my ability to be responsible and take care of myself.  I am also feeling like I need to review some of the things that have happened because they're hanging over me and it's keeping me a bit off my game.  I don’t think I need a pep talk or sympathy – but… If you can listen and hear what I’m going to say and help me talk through this with the understanding that it doesn’t mean I can’t – it means that right now, today, in this minute – maybe for the next few minutes, I can use a bit of extra support and insight and I don’t want you to worry when I shake off the help – it’ll probably mean I’m feeling better…”

Now, I expect you can trim that back to 4-5 words and correct what I messed up –I am, after all,  a little wordy and there is a lot I don’t know about where you are exactly…

For the record, it doesn’t sound like you are at a loss, at all.  It sounds like you’re having trouble doing it.  It’s okay to be down – sometimes it helps to pick an amount of time to stay down, take the pressure off, and pick a time to get back up again. 

Good luck, and I know I’m rooting for you and I expect there are an awful lot of other folks on here who are, too…  Keep us posted!

Cheers!

A-D

P.S.

One fun note on growing up:  I remember waking up startled – I was around 22 years old… sat bolt upright with my heart pounding… It had finally hit me.  While I was a young child, I always thought that grownups had it together – they knew things, understood the patterns of the world, and everything kinda’ fit for them.  What scared me when I woke up that morning was that it occurred to me “here I am, I’m an adult and I don’t know a bloody thing!”  I felt robbed! 

23

I'm afraid that this is "Alyssa," that the feelings won't go away. I've met some people outside of Juvenation before you have horrible control; skip insulin, not finger pricks, correct of the CGM. What if that's who I really am, and I've been kidding and fooling myself these last 4 years? Maybe it's not that I've changed now, but that I just haven't seen the real me until now? This isn't what I want.

24

Alyssa,

 

You get to pick who you are and who you become.  That's the challenge of it.  You aren't a photograph - you're a film in progress and the ending is (G-d willing) a very long way from being written.  You are bright enough and creative enough to figure out how to get where you want to be and once you have a destination in mind, I've no doubt you will reach it.  We all have the ability to be many things - our choices are what make the difference.

 

Do me a favor, write down some simple goals to get moving (i would suggest the following):

 

I will test at least 5 times today

 

I will judge myself by the time I spend working on my disease and not by the numbers (the meter is NOT

a scoreboard)

 

I will count or guess my carbs as best I am able and bolus as I know I should

 

I will write down 3 things I did well today

 

I will begin to reconnect with my family with honest discussions that may have nothing to do with D – but are honest and open

 

In a perfect world, I’d also ask you to repeat the above for a bit… but…  Rework, revise or ignore for now… - again, my two cents has never been worth more than ¼ of that on the open market…

 

I am curious – if I came to you and told you a story that paralleled your own, what would you suggest I do and how would you suggest I start?  J

 

Cheers!

 

A-D

 

25

Alyssa;

I was one of them diabetics with horrible control, MY A1C's were in the 9 range. I used to skip insulin, not because I wanted too, but it was "easier." While working my feet and legs started to hurt, I looked at them and they were swelled up becaue my body was retaining water and because of my high blood sugars. Which at the time I didn't know where high because of the fact that they where normal to me. I got through all of that and was like ok, I am not going to let that happen again because I never wanted to feel like that again.

So I talked to my parents and my wife and was like ok, I need your help. I need you to push me to check my blood sugar everyday, take shots when I need to, and to eat healther. They were not mad at me because of what had happened but were worried because they loved me. I am willing to bet that if you can talk to your parents that they will not be mad, angry, upset, or any other of them terns. They will be more worried about you than anything.

The biggest thing you need to do is get this off of your chest. It is worrying you more than anything, it is always in the back of your head. 

Again sorry if that sounds weird having problems writing what I am thinking.

26

Hi Alyssa - please bear with me as I try to formulate what I'd like to say here - fearing that it maybe all over the place but here it goes...  I am 39 and still figuring out who I really am so try not to be so hard on yourself.  Who we are as teens are not who we are in our 20's and the same goes for our 20's to our 30's and so on - I am of the opinion that we continue to evolve as individuals, thinking we have to in order to become better people, friends, parents etc.   We will always have that base of who we are and where we come from but I'm always trying to improve on what I've done in the past.  It's not about being a perfectionist by any means, it's just growing as a person. 

The only way to get over your fear is to confront it.  I'm sure you've heard that time and time again - sometimes cliche now but I wish I had gotten over my fear of talking to my parents about diabetes when I was younger.  It sounds like your parents have been supportive of you and love you so that is a start.   Here is a story for you that I'm hoping will help you have the open dialog with your parents... (and by the way, I think A-D had a great approach in terms of starting the convo with your parents) ...    So here it goes - my father was kind an old school marine so everything had to have structure which probably helped me take control of my disease but at the same time made it difficult to talk with him because in his mind you just did it to move on.  (i.e. 9 year old trying to give a shot for the first time and I kept sticking it in and pulling it out before injecting the insulin because it was my first reaction to the jabbing method they taught me- after 10 times, his response was 'don't be a baby, just give the shot, I had to learn it when I was in the marines")   The only time I have had to go to the hospital for diabetes, outside of diagnosis, was following having my wisdom teeth out.  The next day after having the proceedure, my parents were to leave town for a class reunion.  I convinced them I was fine so they left.  I was lucky my sister was home from college because the following day I woke up throwing up and thought it was the flu. (the home bg meter was a new thing and I didn't even think to test myself)  My sis knew something was wrong even if I told her I was fine.  She called the doc and he said to bring me to the hospital if I don't stop.  Within the hour I was in the hospital with a 787 bg level and had lost 16 pounds in a matter of about 6-8 hours - 24 over 3 days.  I lost consciousness.  When I woke, there was my dad saying "see, you can't take care of yourself.  we can't ever leave the house"

Fast forward 17 years later - I had a lot to say to my dad - never having confronting him or talking with him about my fears, his fears etc.  Now was my chance.  I was living in Florida at the time and my parents in California.  He was fighting cancer and I knew that he didn't have long.  I took vacation time and spent 5 days with him.  He had been fighting it for some time and it took cancer for him to start to open up unfortunately.  Our relationship had improve huge over that time but we never really discussed diabetes and it's effect on me or the family.  During the many tear filled conversations I came to realize that he was hard on me because he felt that my type 1 was his fault.  It wasn't, but he thought that - the only person who ever had it in my family was a distant 3rd cousin of his - who was type 2 for that matter.  He beat himself up constantly about it because I had to manage the diabetes and he wished it had been him.  He was scared and didn't have the capacity at the time to show it 17 years earlier.  I was stunned to say the least.  We talked for hours on end but I wish it had been before that.  There is much more to say but this post is already way too long  lol 

Sorry for the long winded story but it was the only way I could think of to get my point across.  What you are thinking and feeling might be completely different from what your parents are thinking.  The only way to know is to rip the band aid off, open up and talk with them.  Easier said than done I know - obviously being I didn't have that conversation when I was a teen - but think about A-D's approach - you may find out that the cloud over your head disappears  :)   We all need a support system, right now, your parents are yours - yes, you have us out here, but it's not quite the same.    Be well.

27

Wow that was a great story Doug.

And A-D, your advice is incredible.  I especially liked your advice on how to open the conversation Alyssa's parents.

I hope you realize, Alyssa, (if you haven't talked to your parents by now) that you are going to them because you are strong - NOT because you are weak.  There are still some things (One thing in particular) that I wish I could talk to my step dad about.  I probably never will since I'm sort of lost my window of opportunity to talk about it.  And, because-unlike you-I'm weak and I've waited too long (or at least in my mind I have).

What I hope most though, is that you come back here with your story of talking to your parents about everything that is going on with you, and encourage me to talk to my parents about what I need to talk about as well.  Let us know how it goes.

Much love,

Mad

28

I keep avoiding it. I lie to keep them from asking, I tell them I'm OK, I avoid being alone with them so they won't bring it up... I don't want to let anybody down; not my parents, not myself, not Matt or A-D or Doug or anyone. I can't even think of a way to describe it. I'm not "scared" per say, or afraid of talking to them. More afraid, I suppose, of what they think of me, or say back. Of feeling like I let them down, and realizing fully now just how much I've tripped up.

I want to make sure, as well, that I am taking care of myself. I don't skip insulin, not check my blood sugar, any of that. The only exception was the tennis incident, and the second I realized just what I had played with, I straightened up. My only problem now is figuring out how to get up, and stay up.

Not, fair, A-D. You know I look at myself differently than I do everyone else! You got me. Why? If I was talking to someone else that was going through a similar situation, the first thing I would tell them right off is to go to their parents. Especially if they had always been there for that person, like mine have for me. I would tell them maybe it's the opposite: in a way, maybe you have to let it knock you down so you can get back up. It feels like when you try to get up, but before you can, someone knocks you down again. It's complicated.

I have always gone to my parents about everything I've had problems with, especially diabetes. Ever since I was diagnosed, and my Dad stood with me on the front steps and cried in front of me for the first time, we've had these special chats where we go over everything. It's always helped, I always feel better after we do. And I know I've said this a million times before on this post, but there's something inside of me that stops me from talking it out. Like half of me wants to, but the other part doesn't, and that's the part that's getting through to me.

I don't understand why I played with something so dangerous as diabetes, or let tennis come before it. Why I can't find anything worth it inside of me, or why my smile drops the second my parents turn around and yet I can't seem to face them. I can't look them in the eye. I know I've been wrong, I know I made bad choices. I don't know, however, why I have. I can't stress enough how afraid I am that Alyssa is this person. I've tried to change it, I've tried to tell myself I was simply done with all these crummy feelings. But regardless, there's always something someone says, something someone does, or something I do, that brings it all flooding back, and feel just as low as before.

Though I appreciate all the support. I wish I knew what to do, exactly.

29

Alyssa I think you're feeling like you betrayed your parents.

I feel the same way about what I did.  I will PM you tonight, and we are going to get through this together.  Whoever is stronger will talk to his/her parents first, then encourage the other to talk to his/hers.

Sound good?  OK DEAL.  No take backs.

30

Deal.

31

Alyssa,

I am trying to figure out what exactly is bothering you.  Is it about your diabetes control and the emotions that come with it?  Speaking for most diabetics, it is always frustrating to hear that your a1c is higher than expected.  Mine is usually different than what I think it will be.  As far as your parents are concerned, what are their expectations?  Do you believe they are disappointed in your test results?  You mentioned your father crying with you, did that make you feel better or even more upset?  As a teenage diabetic myself, I was comfortable with the disease because my parents seemed to be.  Maybe you need to discuss that with them.  As teenagers we look up to our parents to be strong, it is hard to see their weaknesses.  Trust me, you are not disappointing them, they just love you and want the best for you.  Let them know you can have a great life with diabetes and you need their love and support, good control or not.  I do remember telling my Mom that I could have high blood sugar without eating hardly anything, she did not believe me.  That was definitely frustrating, other than that, they were very supportive.  My parents was not living with diabetes, I was.  Diabetes is difficult to manage.  Nobody is perfect, don't try to be!  Best wishes.

Valerie

32

Alyssa,

One other quick note...  I can't speak for anyone else but I do want to make sure you know where I stand:

You're not going to let me down and you certainly haven't to this point.  Lying would be a bit of a bummer but - talking about where you are with your struggles with this illness, sharing your mind and your creativity with those of us on here and letting us join you on your journey?  I couldn't be more proud of ya'!  I know that from where you stand, in the midst of this huge pile of emotional stuff it seems like a place where you risk disappointing others.  From where I stand, on the far side of my own baggage watching how you are conducting yourself, however, I still think you are doing a remarkable job. 

And you know what to do - keep at it, you'll get there....

I expect to hear good things from you and Matt pretty soon... :)

Cheers!

A-D

(When I hit reply, I thought this was going to be one sentence...)

33

Alyssa - seriously - you won't let me down or anyone else for that matter.  It's tough where you are at emotionally.  All of us here just wish the best for you and will offer you advice the best we know how.  You'll decide what is the best route for you and when you are ready to take it.   There is a movie called the Peaceful Warrior - has Nick Nolte in it - kinda cheesy at times but has some great messages in it and there is one dialog that reminds me of you - hopefully I get it right here but you'll get the point..                 

Socrates:  "Everyone wants to tell you what to do and what's good for you. They don't want you to find your own answers, they want you to believe theirs."     Dan :  "Let me guess, and you want me to believe yours?"     Socrates:  " No, I want you to stop gathering information from the outside and start gathering it from the inside." 

We (Matt, A-D et. al. ) don't want or need you to believe or follow the 'answers'/suggestions we're giving you here.  We give you our experiences and advice because we care about you  and hopefully you will find your own answers with some guidance here and there.  So, if that thought process is correct, you CAN'T let us down.   Be well.

34

Doug,

I never realized there was a movie - I read that book (Way of the Peaceful Warrior, by Dan Millman) - back when I was just a wee bit older than Alyssa... 

Well said and nicely referenced ;)

Cheers!

A-D

35

Yeah - think it came out in '06 - can rent it - has Nolte, Amy Smart and can't remember the guy who plays Dan - but I love all Millman's books so I really enjoyed the movie.

36

It's all smiles today, my friends. I feel 100%   110%    200%  better today. It's a new beginning for me, and I'm more motiviated, driven, and READY to beat diabetes. I'm so ready to take this on; and I owe a lot of that to you all.

Thank you, a hundred times over. I'm blessed to have such a network of friends.

Now, let's get this D rolling :)

 

37

Hi Alyssa,It can be hard at times just being a teen,I know,I was one many,many years ago.I also live with my teen.She has type 1 too. I give you one million stars for just being ALYSSA !!!

38

[quote user="Alyssa"]

My parents are thrilled that I got my A1c down a little more. I'm annoyed. After having the numbers go up the appointment previous to that, I was incredibly disappointed. I tightened it all up, or so I'd thought. Started keeping a log book again, really watching my numbers... so I don't understand how or why that all got away from me by my next appointment to the point where it barely budges? It's not that I'm not dedicated, or willing to do whatever diabetes pulls on me. But it's just figuring it out that gets me; I wish it were more like math. Eat the same thing, get the same blood sugar. If only, if only. Pipe dreams. 

[/quote]

I'm getting in on this kindof late, but can TOTALLY relate to the paragraph above.  Last time I went to the endo I was proud of my results and was expecting a good a1c score.  The doc even said it looked good before "the test".  It came back at 7.5 which was higher than the previous one and highest in a while.  What the ??   I too wish it was more like math.  I think doctors and diabetes educators and pump company web sites and friends and family who have been to diabetes education all seem to think that it's just X units + X calories (or carbs or exchanges or whatever) = 100.  Just doesn't work that way.  Whenever I think I've got it figured out and am on a roll for some unexplained reason my numbers start getting out of whack again.  Then I have to adjust snacks/insulin etc.  I guess the way I recocile is that I can't change the past results.  The only one I have any hope of controlling is the next test.  Live and learn I guess, but it is frustrating.  I guess just don't try to be too much of a perfectionist with it.  Roll with it.  Someone else on here once said "the only thing consistent about diabetes is it's inconsistency".  True.  True.

I do wonder sometimes if stressing out about a1c scores isn't counter productive.  Stress is bad for BS. 

39

Alyssa,

 

Someday, if I ever grow up, I hope to be as resilient and together as you are!!! 

 

You are exceptional and I am very proud of how hard you are working and the tenacity you have in attending to your struggles (and successes). 

 

I, as ever, will be looking forward to reading more of your posts!!!

 

Cheers!

 

A-D

40

A-D,

Thanks :) I think you guys see something different than when I look at myself, but okay :)

I find one of your posts on here a bit ironic, where you asked what I would tell someone that was feeling the way I am? Is it weird that I got a phone call from one of my friends a few weeks ago, and she told me she felt like she had lost herself :) It's bizzare, only because I swear it's like looking in a mirror. And, while I'm partially at a loss of what to tell her (as I wish I knew what to tell myself in the first place), but in a way everything I say to her seems to help me figure it out that much more, too. We cracked up on the phone the other night; we would have looked ridiculous, sobbing into the phone about the same exact problem. I'm glad I have her.

And church has helped me a lot. Something from the bible hit home for me last Sunday -- I've felt on top of it ever since :)