My fiance has type 1 and doesn't care

I do not know what else I can do. My fiance has type 1 diabetes and does not seem to care. He’s only 26 years old and has had it since hes 12. His was onset by a sickness, he told me its a rare way to get it. He eats cake and candy and has sneaked candy and trash food in secret that I find in the trash. He drinks soda. I have tried so hard to help him. I eat very healthy and he used to but later told me that was so I would like him. Someone please help me, I love him and this relationship is putting a strain on my relationship with my mom who is so sad to watch me be with someone who has no interest in helping himself. She is afraid that I am going to marry him and he will die due to him not taking care of himself. I do not want to leave someone because he is sick.

Hi Gabbi @uhhuhitsgabbi,

I feel for you, very much. Having been in your situation, well the reverse of where you are because I was like your husband at 25 and engaged to be married and I didn’t take care of MY diabetes and wouldn’t admit that the condition affected me. That was 50 years ago and how WRONG I was! In fact I hadn’t seen a doctor in years and hadn’t had a blood glucose level check in an even longer time - in those days the only place to check BG was at a hospital lab.

Long story short, a condition of marriage was that I begin seeing one of the doctors at Joslin Diabetes Clinic; in fact, it was my fiancé, now wife of 50 years, who informed me of my date and time of appointment. She did not want to be a thirty year old widow; I reluctantly accepted her offer.

In retrospect, it was the best thing that could have happened.

I hear you asking what you can do. Please be firm with him and let him know that you care about HIM and want what is best for him and in return you will be rewarded. I should say, your marriage and life together will be greatly enhanced.

Also, tell your fiancé that T1 brought on by illness is NOT unusual. An informal survey conducted amongst a group to which I belong comprised of persons who have had T1 for at least 50 years found that in a majority of cases T1 diagnosis was preceded by an illness or a trauma.

I have made his appointment with the endo, I am the only reason he goes to one. I also made him an appointment with the eye dr and the second one for a second opinion. When I cry to him that I need him around and intend on having a future with him, he tells me that I am attacking him. He is completely in denial and when I brought him to therapy he said that I yelled at him for 1 piece of candy when in fact he ate 3 bags of 500 piece candy. I am at a loss. He brought home an entire tiramisu cake last night from Christmas dinner.

I admire your perseverance, your caring and your obvious love for him.

Reading between the lines, I have the sense that you understand that what must happen is that he needs to wake up and take responsibility. Once he acknowledges that his attitude is key to your future together. I was too slow taking responsibility and now I’m paying for that. I’ll talk with him if he is open and willing to share. Over all, I was the recipient of much, probably undeserved good luck and fortunate to be in the right place at the right time.

Without being too nagging [yeah, how much is too much] keep on him and let him know that you can be stubborn. Be strong, but know when to back off a bit. My wife served my favorite pie yesterday - sweet and delicious!

hi @uhhuhitsgabbi,

I have had diabetes a long time. at first I did the minimum to stay alive. as I got older I realized how depressed I was, and how my misplaced anger and fear was turned inward for over 30 years.

diabetes does not mean you can’t have candy. For example; I made a gingerbread house with my 7 year old son and had my fair share of skittles and twizzlers. I also enjoy ice cream and cake when it’s a significant birthday or anniversary. I only need to take insulin to cover the sugar that I eat, and eating candy is the same for me as someone who does not have diabetes. The emphasis is on the testing and taking the right amount of insulin, and then eating junk food becomes just a flaky (you can call it “bad”) food choice and not covert suicide.

[I am guessing] Your boyfriend is lost alone and really angry he has diabetes, and it’s unresolved, and for the time being, he wants to sit in denial and make believe it’s someone else’s fault. You cannot save him. Only a change in his attitude can save him. YOU can threaten, scream, or leave him - but in the end he will only change when he’s ready.

The grace in any relationship you have in your life will depend on your sense of self. If you have poor self esteem, or if you are co-dependent, you may find this exact thing will be a recurring theme for you. If you can’t possibly be okay with his behavior and it is affecting your life… then it’s time for a major decision FOR YOU, NOT HIM, on how you want your world to be. I feel bad for you, because you are the one reaching out.

Please take good care of yourself.